Am I Part of the Problem?

Am I part of the problem by the way I dress?  Do I contribute to a guy’s temptation to look at porn?

It’s very common for women to want to take responsibility for men’s failings.  We like to do this because it gives us power and makes us feel like we can do something and take power and control over our circumstances instead of being victims.  It’s not necessarily our responsibility to pander to men’s sexual feelings.  Every person is attracted to, and sexually aroused by different things so there’s no way to please everyone. For example, some men might be turned on by the color red. Does that mean you shouldn’t wear red? Of course not. Maybe another guy finds denim insanely sexually arousing, but that doesn’t mean you can’t wear jeans anymore.  What is important, is that YOU feel comfortable with your body and how you dress.  It is not your job to cater to men’s weaknesses, it IS your job, however, to decide what treating your body as a temple means to you and honor the modern day prophets’ words about modesty.

Having said that, yes, wearing less clothing and acting in a way that promotes YOU as a sexual object makes it easier for men and women to treat each other like sexual objects and that may or may not include looking at pornography.  Our bodies are attractive to each other and God has intended for this arousal to occur.  However, our sexual intentions, when not accompanied by a marriage or committed relationship, promotes us seeing and treating each other as sexual objects.  

Our intentions with our bodies is what makes the difference.  You can only control your own intentions and your own body.  God can help us with our bodies and our intentions, but we can’t change the intentions of others.  We can encourage them to seek the help of God and we can discourage others from seeing and treating us like sexual objects, but beyond that is beyond our means.

 Does every guy have a "porn problem"?

Am I being unrealistic thinking it’s possible to find a guy who doesn’t have a porn problem?

 

It depends on how you define “porn problem.” Most men and women have seen pornographic images, read pornographic texts, and heard pornographic lyrics or sounds.  A lot of men and women have sought out pornographic images, texts, and audio and some have accidentally stumbled upon them.  Very few of us will get through this life without being exposed to porn. Our responsibility lies in not letting those images, texts, and audio become a problem and not letting them become something that is used to purposefully stimulate ourselves.  Stimulation is enjoyable, as it should be, but the great pleasure it brings so easily and rapidly, can be difficult to avoid, particularly for males whose brain circuitry is geared toward attaining sexual gratification.

 So, no it’s not unrealistic to think you can find a guy without a porn problem, but it’s important to recognize that the way they view pornography and the way we view pornography is going to be fundamentally different. Men and women are not stimulated in the same way or by the same things, which can lead to judgmental attitudes on both sides.  Men are visually stimulated and are taught to seek out the things they want, whereas women are emotionally stimulated and are taught to wait for the things they want.  This is not always the case, but in general, these differences in biology and social upbringing change the way we view ourselves and others sexually.  This makes men more susceptible to pornography use and addictions.  Our differences can be frustrating at times, but they ultimately make us more compatible and helpful for each other.

Thus, it’s important that you talk about your questions, concerns, preferences and expectations when dating.  You can find a balance between the extremes of expecting to find a boyfriend or spouse who has never looked at porn ---- to accepting that probably everyone one has a “porn problem.”  People can be exposed to porn without developing a “porn problem” and people who have a “porn problem” can overcome it.  If your expectation is to have a relationship free of porn, determine if your partner feels the same way and discuss how you can support one another in achieving that goal.

What causes a person to become addicted to porn?

Some people can be exposed to porn, look at it for a while to satisfy their curiosity and decide it’s not for them. They can let it go realizing it might not be the healthiest pastime. I actually heard a man say that he thought porn was boring. While others become obsessed with it. They develop an appetite for it; they find it to be pleasurable, to be a great escape from stress, boredom or other uncomfortable emotions. They become compulsive about the release it gives them and can’t walk away from it even when they want to.

Some experts who specialize in working with addictions believe that unresolved family trauma is at the root of many people’s addictions. All families and individuals encounter trauma at some point in their lives. The way we handle it often determines how it will affect our lives and our family's life for years to come. When an individual or family does not deal with the trauma, will not talk about it or acknowledge it so that they might heal from it, they are more likely to develop addictions.

Not all people who experience unresolved trauma will develop addictions, but any unresolved trauma can prevent a person from enjoying life fully and from relating intimately with others. The less unresolved trauma in our lives, the more likely we will develop healthy relationships, happy homes, and joyful, fulfilling lives.

Trauma can be understood as a severe psychological stress, injury, loss, or wound. Put more simply, it's any experience that injures our ability to be open, honest and vulnerable. Family trauma can include loss of relationships through separation, divorce, death, addictions, major medical conditions or illnesses, absent parents, deprivation or neglect, or emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Addictions result from family trauma and addictions create family trauma. The addict is preoccupied, gets lost in fantasy, and invests significant time in harmful behaviors. The addiction becomes the focus of his/her life. Children and spouses learn that their loved one’s addiction is more important than they are. They are enshrouded in feelings of shame and experience a constant gnawing that they are not worthy of love or connection – fertile ground for their own addictions.

FAQ: Have Most Guys Looked at Porn?

 Is it true that most guys have looked at porn or have a problem with it?

Porn is readily available to the general public, and is sometimes even thrown in our faces. Depending on how you define porn, it’s likely that most men, and women for that matter have viewed pornography. For some men and women it becomes difficult not to look at or think about pornographic images.  For others, it is easy to recognize as harmful and push them away. To say that most guys have a problem with it would be false.  I have seen a lot of men struggle with pornography use and addictions, but what is hopeful about them is that it’s a struggle. They recognize that pornography is harmful to them and they want to stop. It just takes some time to change behaviors, as it does with any addiction.


It is difficult in our society to avoid pornography, but there is a difference between happening upon it, recognizing what it is doing to your spirit then turning away, and seeking it out, using it to arouse sexual feelings and justifying the use of it. There is a stigma towards anyone who says they have “looked at” pornography, but if we really think about it, just about everyone has seen something pornographic and finding that something alluring or sexually arousing is totally normal. We’re supposed to find sexual things sexually arousing. Our Heavenly Father gave us sexual feelings for our use and benefit, however, He has set specific boundaries for the use of those feelings, which is where we sometimes get into trouble.


Many people struggle with pornography addictions, many people have viewed pornography, and some people reject all sexuality from their lives. Finding a balance between being sexually aroused (a God-given gift to foster families and marital relationships) and what we do with that sexual arousal. Seeking out sexual arousal from anyone/thing other than your spouse can create serious problems in relationships and for individuals.  Interest in sexual arousal and sexual stimulation is normal and healthy, but bridling these passions is part of the responsibilities we have along with this great gift and power.

FAQ: Is Porn Addiction the Same as a Sex Addiction?

Is a porn addiction the same as a sex addiction? 

Both terms porn addiction and sex addiction are controversial and dismissed by some as myth. Not everyone who looks at porn is going to become a sex addict. However, the idea that looking at porn is simply harmless fun is quickly losing credence. Compulsive sexual behavior is on the rise and can be just as destructive in a person’s life as an alcohol or drug addiction.

The overwhelming majority of self-identifying sex addicts—about 90 percent—are male. Women are more often categorized as “love addicts,” with a compulsive tendency to fall into dependent relationships and form unrealistic bonds with partners. However, very slowly women are starting to seek treatment for their own porn addictions. As shameful and difficult as it is for a man to admit he has a porn problem, it’s even more shameful for a woman. 

A person with a “porn problem” might be classified as someone whose porn consumption is not congruent with his value system and the amount is more frequent than he is comfortable with. A person with a “porn addiction” may find that he can no longer control the amount or frequency of his porn consumption. He would like to quit looking at it, but he can’t. While a “sex addict” not only looks at porn but engages in other behaviors such as anonymous hookups, chat rooms, affairs, public displays of exhibitionism such as strip clubs, and compulsive masturbation.

The constant and easy exposure to porn in our media saturated culture is likely to trigger people who are susceptible to these addictive tendencies. And who is susceptible? For some, porn or sex is a form of self-medication, a way to obliterate anxiety and despair and a means of soothing loneliness and the fear of being unwanted. A sex addiction isn’t really about “sex”. It’s about “being wanted.” It masks feelings of not being worthy of love and acceptance. Sex is the perfect counter to those feelings. It makes a person feel, “I matter. Right, now in this moment I am loved.” 

Porn consumption becomes a distraction from stress, boredom, loneliness, anxiety, and a myriad of other uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes it’s difficult to face the challenges of life and being a human being can be hard – Porn numbs the pain. Porn is easy to access and easy to justify. It really isn’t hurting anyone, right? 

We can't talk about the P-word without talking about the m-word. Yes, your loved is undoubtedly masturbating while looking at porn. The two go together. It is often the masturbation habit that becomes compulsive. Pornography is the vehicle. While some view masturbation as a perfectly normal behavior, men with porn problems admit that this ability to pleasure oneself is isolating and creates barriers to intimacy with one's partner.

FAQ: Can He Really Love Me?

If my boyfriend or spouse is involved in pornography, can he really love me?

Of course he can. Everyone loves in different ways and the things we experience like the way our families love us and past relationships, affect the way we love other people. So, can he love you the way you want to be loved? Maybe. But that’s something you have to figure out for any relationship; if you can love each other the way you need to be loved. His pornography use might affect the way he loves, but so will everything else in his life. Who knows, it might make him, BETTER at loving you the way you want to me loved. It could also hurt you too much to feel loved. Any addiction has the capacity to overwhelm and even overtake a relationship when help is not sought. It is important for issues dealing with pornography, to get help from bishops, 12-step groups, and God. Finding out your limits and what you can and can’t deal with is necessary for any relationship. It’s also important to remember that although pornography is dangerous, it can be overcome and we can learn from our experiences with it.

The following is another answer from another contributor to our blog, Ashlee.

If my boyfriend or spouse is involved in pornography, can he really love me?

With any relationship, love is something that grows stronger with nurturing support. But in this relationship for you, you may feel betrayed, sad, hopeless, or alone, because you think that if you give everything to this relationship, you will not be able to get what you need in return. If we take a moment to think about him, from his perspective, he wants to be able to love you completely and show his love for you. But when he thinks about himself, he may believe that he is unworthy of your love because of what he is doing. He may feel ashamed of himself and not feel confident or adequate enough for you. He may feel hopeless that he will never overcome it. 

These thoughts and feelings tend to persist when he tries to deal with the porn problem on his own. We know that a loved one is more likely to overcome an addiction to porn in the context of a loving and supportive relationship; however, this does not mean he can’t heal without you or that it is your responsibility to “fix” him or his addiction. If you can learn to talk about your fears and concerns without shaming him and he can learn to listen and respond to your needs without getting defensive and withdrawing, the two of you have a chance to grow closer and stronger as a couple. 

Within a relationship of love and support, he may begin to feel safe and able to be completely honest with you. When he views himself as worthy of your love, both of you can work together to fight the wedge of pornography coming between the both of you. As you fight it together, he will also support you in the problems that you face in life. The love is there, but as with any relationship, in time, and through partnered effort to fight against the problem of pornography, that expression of that love can grow to something strong and beautiful.

If however, he relapses and continues to struggle with his addiction, you must understand that it’s not your fault for “not loving him enough”. His healing is not your responsibility. Even though your loved probably does love you very much it’s difficult to trust in his love because it seems to get usurped by his habit. For real healing to happen, for trust to be restored and for love to flourish he must always take the steps to fully disclose the extent of his problem and get help. If he is unwilling to work toward overcoming his addiction, you must first take care of yourself—in some cases, this might mean leaving the relationship or putting it on hold.

We will address what “getting help” entails in another blog post.

DISCLAIMER: When women learn of their loved one’s porn problem, they usually have lots of questions. We want our blog to be a safe, reputable place when you can get answers to your questions. However, we do not claim to be absolute authorities on all of these issues. Our answers are based on our experiences in working with other women who have struggled with this issue and from the professional literature on the subject. Sift the answers through your own experience and select what fits for you. You are the best authority for you. 

REMINDER: As you deal with this issue we want you to take care of yourself, to remain true to yourself and to listen to your own wisdom and feelings. They will always guide you to know what is best for you. Likewise, stay close to the Lord and the Holy Ghost; they will support you to know what to do.

FAQ: Should I Talk About Porn With Those I Date?

Should I talk about porn with those I date? 

Yes.   Everyone has been exposed to pron.  It’s important to know how the person you’re dating deals with the fact that pornography is so prevalent, accessible and normalized in our society.  Discussing porn with those we date allows us to ascertain another’s history of porn exposure, their patterns of consumption and their attitudes toward actively seeking out porn or actively seeking ways to protect them from it. 

Opening up communication and establishing mutual expectations can help guide your relationship decisions.  When developing a serious relationship, discussing porn can help establish rules to protect your relationship and future family. 

When should I approach the subject? 

Porn is a sensitive topic.  If a person has a porn problem it’s difficult to come forward and admit because it’s so shameful.  Who in our LDS culture wants to admit they have a problem with porn?  Therefore it’s important to approach the topic with openness and sensitivity.  It’s also important to discuss porn early on before you become too emotionally committed to the relationship.  Porn should be brought up on more than one occasion. Often it takes some time and trust to fully disclose one’s history with porn. Closeness and relationship expectations can guide these questions. 

How should I bring it up?  What should I say? 

Share the importance of open communication and how much you care for the other person and want your relationship to be healthy and good.  Just bring up the need to discuss pornography despite the awkwardness of the topic.  You too, must be willing to share your history with porn and your exposure, consumption and attitudes towards it.  Share the actions you have taken to address a porn problem or to keep yourself safe from it. 

Some useful questions you might ask when you address the topic are:

• How have you been exposed to porn?  How were you introduced to porn?
• How young were you when you were first exposed? 
• Have you ever actively sought out porn?
• If so, what was the frequency and surrounding circumstances?
• When did you last seek porn?
• Do you view porn as a problem in your life?
• What actions have you taken to stop or to protect yourself from porn in the past?  What measures are you currently taking to protect yourself?  How do you plan to protect yourself in the future?
• If you have a porn problem, what are you doing to overcome it? 
• What have you found to be the most helpful to you in overcoming it?
• How can others support you?