FAQ: Can He Really Love Me?

If my boyfriend or spouse is involved in pornography, can he really love me?

Of course he can. Everyone loves in different ways and the things we experience like the way our families love us and past relationships, affect the way we love other people. So, can he love you the way you want to be loved? Maybe. But that’s something you have to figure out for any relationship; if you can love each other the way you need to be loved. His pornography use might affect the way he loves, but so will everything else in his life. Who knows, it might make him, BETTER at loving you the way you want to me loved. It could also hurt you too much to feel loved. Any addiction has the capacity to overwhelm and even overtake a relationship when help is not sought. It is important for issues dealing with pornography, to get help from bishops, 12-step groups, and God. Finding out your limits and what you can and can’t deal with is necessary for any relationship. It’s also important to remember that although pornography is dangerous, it can be overcome and we can learn from our experiences with it.

The following is another answer from another contributor to our blog, Ashlee.

If my boyfriend or spouse is involved in pornography, can he really love me?

With any relationship, love is something that grows stronger with nurturing support. But in this relationship for you, you may feel betrayed, sad, hopeless, or alone, because you think that if you give everything to this relationship, you will not be able to get what you need in return. If we take a moment to think about him, from his perspective, he wants to be able to love you completely and show his love for you. But when he thinks about himself, he may believe that he is unworthy of your love because of what he is doing. He may feel ashamed of himself and not feel confident or adequate enough for you. He may feel hopeless that he will never overcome it. 

These thoughts and feelings tend to persist when he tries to deal with the porn problem on his own. We know that a loved one is more likely to overcome an addiction to porn in the context of a loving and supportive relationship; however, this does not mean he can’t heal without you or that it is your responsibility to “fix” him or his addiction. If you can learn to talk about your fears and concerns without shaming him and he can learn to listen and respond to your needs without getting defensive and withdrawing, the two of you have a chance to grow closer and stronger as a couple. 

Within a relationship of love and support, he may begin to feel safe and able to be completely honest with you. When he views himself as worthy of your love, both of you can work together to fight the wedge of pornography coming between the both of you. As you fight it together, he will also support you in the problems that you face in life. The love is there, but as with any relationship, in time, and through partnered effort to fight against the problem of pornography, that expression of that love can grow to something strong and beautiful.

If however, he relapses and continues to struggle with his addiction, you must understand that it’s not your fault for “not loving him enough”. His healing is not your responsibility. Even though your loved probably does love you very much it’s difficult to trust in his love because it seems to get usurped by his habit. For real healing to happen, for trust to be restored and for love to flourish he must always take the steps to fully disclose the extent of his problem and get help. If he is unwilling to work toward overcoming his addiction, you must first take care of yourself—in some cases, this might mean leaving the relationship or putting it on hold.

We will address what “getting help” entails in another blog post.

DISCLAIMER: When women learn of their loved one’s porn problem, they usually have lots of questions. We want our blog to be a safe, reputable place when you can get answers to your questions. However, we do not claim to be absolute authorities on all of these issues. Our answers are based on our experiences in working with other women who have struggled with this issue and from the professional literature on the subject. Sift the answers through your own experience and select what fits for you. You are the best authority for you. 

REMINDER: As you deal with this issue we want you to take care of yourself, to remain true to yourself and to listen to your own wisdom and feelings. They will always guide you to know what is best for you. Likewise, stay close to the Lord and the Holy Ghost; they will support you to know what to do.