We (BYU Women's Services and Resources) created this blog to help those connected to loved ones with a pornography/sexual addiction. Our goal is to empower you with information to answer your questions; to connect you to others who are experiencing this same problem; and to support you in freeing yourself from the worry, concern, and responsibility you feel for your loved one. Even though we know a lot more about pornography addictions than we did 10 years ago, there is still a lot of shame, secrecy, and misunderstanding surrounding them. We hope this blog will be a source of understanding and awareness. Most of all we hope it will be a haven of healing, self-care and peace for you.
Note: While both men and women may view porn, and both can develop a problem with it, we are going to use the pronoun “he” from here on out when referring to your loved one. We’re not being sexist; we are acknowledging the fact that about 75 to 85 percent of porn Web browsers are males (although the percentage of females is growing).
We acknowledge that the word addiction is not always the best descriptor for every person who consumes pornography. What if someone occasionally looks at porn? What if someone has gone for several months, even years and then has a porn binge? Are they addicted? We understand that not all people who look at porn are addicted to it. Yet, we know that pornography can be very addictive and many people do indeed get addicted to it. As a result, most pornography treatment programs include a 12-step model which has proven to be very helpful in recovery from any addictive behavior. We will highlight the 12-steps in our blog and suggest, that when you are ready, that you work the steps for yourself.
Most women when they first learn of their loved one’s porn consumption are devastated and dealing with feelings of fear, betrayal and loss. Women often feel alone. They don’t know where to turn to get the information and help they need. They usually have lots of questions and have a need to talk to someone. While there are many good resources for the men dealing with a pornography problem or sexual addiction, there are not so many for the women. The p-word blog is for you. Even though we will answer questions that are frequently asked by many women, our main focus will be your own self-care and healing.
We encourage you to support your loved one but to not take responsibility for his healing. The only person you can really control is yourself. Working the 12 steps for you, will empower you to face the ups and downs of your loved one’s process without losing yourself.
We will address issues for both single and married women.
About the Authors:
LaNae Valentine, Director of Women's Services
LaNae has a doctorate degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and specializes in working with women struggling with depression, anxiety, perfectionism, body image and eating problems. She is particularly interested in supporting women to find their voice, recognize their worth, and realize their strength. LaNae and her staff at Women’s Services & Resources support the students at BYU in successfully completing their education and in becoming future leaders in their homes and communities. Personally, LaNae enjoys friends and family, good books, cooking and eating yummy foods, cycling in the canyons especially through the autumn leaves doing yoga and getting Thai yoga massages.
Carly Ostler, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern (Women's Services)
About the Authors:
LaNae has a doctorate degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and specializes in working with women struggling with depression, anxiety, perfectionism, body image and eating problems. She is particularly interested in supporting women to find their voice, recognize their worth, and realize their strength. LaNae and her staff at Women’s Services & Resources support the students at BYU in successfully completing their education and in becoming future leaders in their homes and communities. Personally, LaNae enjoys friends and family, good books, cooking and eating yummy foods, cycling in the canyons especially through the autumn leaves doing yoga and getting Thai yoga massages.
Carly Ostler, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern (Women's Services)
Carly did her undergrad at the U of U and is seeing a bluer side of things in the Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy Program at BYU. She enjoys traveling to new places, baking lots of delicious treats, and anything that makes her think. Carly feels it is her personal mission to spread the message of self-love and acceptance to all women (and men) and loves helping people help themselves. She leads the Fed-Up with Food group on campus as well as the Body Image support group. She is available for short-term consultations at Women’s Services and Resources Center most days of the week.
