Should I approach guys and ask them straightforwardly or should I wait for them to tell me?

Should I approach guys and ask them straightforwardly or should I wait for them to tell me?
  

  There comes a point in every romantic/dating relationship where it’s important to learn about the other person’s sexual history, and that includes pornography.  It’s fair, at this point to ask about it, however, there has to be a lot of trust in the relationship as well as openness and understanding for someone to be willing to talk about their pornography addiction.  For some who are struggling with pornography addictions, there is so much shame and/or denial that sometimes trust, openness and understanding are not enough for them to admit to a pornography addiction.  It’s a very delicate subject, and one that would be brought up with care and concern.  Going up to all your friends in a public place and demanding that they tell you whether or not they’ve looked at porn probably isn’t isn’t the best way to go about it.  However, finding some quiet time alone to ask about their experience with pornography in an understanding way could make it seem safe enough to talk about.
   

If you wait for them to tell you about it, it may never happen and you could be left wondering for years.  Especially if this person is going to be an important part of your life, like a spouse or a serious boyfriend, it’s better to ask to relieve all worries or doubts in the back of your mind.  However, if you’re not prepared to hear that this someone is addicted to pornography, it’s better not to ask.  Your reaction to their confession may push them deeper into their addiction, and destroy your relationship with them.  It’s important to wait until you’re ready, the situation is ready, the relationship is ready and the other person is ready.  It might be helpful to let the person know that you want to ask them about their experience with sexuality and pornography and that they can let you know when they are ready to talk about it.  

If a guy tells me he has a problem, what should I do?

If a guy tells me he has a problem, what should I do?  Should I tell someone?
   

Holding a secret like someone else’s pornography addiction on your own can be pretty overwhelming.  However, if you want to keep this friend/boyfriend around in your life, it’s important that you maintain confidentiality.  It will be helpful if you encourage them to talk with their bishop and attend addiction recovery groups and counseling.  It will also be helpful for you to set up some boundaries with them so they don’t end up using you as their counselor.  Asking them to please talk to their bishop, counselor or support group about it and letting them know you are there to support them and help them get the help that they need, but that you can’t take the burden away from them in the same way a bishop or therapist can.  You also need to remember that you can’t fix their problem.  You can encourage them and love them and support them, but they are accountable to their own choices and you can only make choices for yourself.

It might be helpful for you also to go to a counselor, bishop or support group yourself as to not have to carry the burden of someone else’s struggle on your own.  Talking to a bishop, counselor or support group is not breaking the trust of the person who told you, as long as you refrain from using names and identifying features.  

A Young Woman's Anecdote of Overcoming a Pornography Addiction with her Boyfriend.

Before I begin my story, I want to preface it by expressing that it is a personal experience and should only serve as an example of a success story. Pornography is a sensitive subject and should be handled in whatever way a couple feels most comfortable.  There is a definite spectrum of addiction and each situation should be handled individually. My hope is that this story will illustrate the ability to overcome addictions and trials if we are willing to utilize the resources available. I also hope to that to show that it is possible for a relationship to succeed in the face of addiction if there is honesty and true desire to change.

I really feel my experience may be an anomaly. I think it was extraordinary that my boyfriend was so open, honest, and humble about his problem and more than willing to do whatever he could to make sure it didn’t continue to be part of his life. There are many people who are not at this point in their addiction and may not be 100% honest, ready to let go of it, or on the down-swing like he was. He had already seen a therapist and was diligently attending a support group every week.  In my opinion, it takes a stand up guy to potentially jeopardize a young and promising relationship for the sake of being honest, and I realize that this may not be everyone’s circumstances.

There is never a convenient time to ask about the “p-word”, especially at the beginning of a relationship when sparks are flying and it feels like what you have is too good to be true.  This is how I felt right before I naively asked a question and received a very unexpected answer. At that time I had been dating my boyfriend for about 2 days. We had been friends for a month before I let him take me on a date. Our first date was a dreamy hike up in the mountains surrounding Provo, followed by a visit with my Grandma.  As I watched him ask her sincere questions and lean on the counter so he could intently listen to her with full eye contact, I was sold. The next night we climbed onto the roof of an old abandoned building overlooking the city and he kissed me sweetly and softly. The next day we went to his sister’s house for dinner and I couldn’t believe how lucky I felt when I saw how much his nieces adored him as he spun them around in the yard and laughed and tickled them. My point is that my boyfriend is an extraordinary man with a strong testimony, a temple recommend, and abounding love for his friends and family. He is the kind of guy that your young women’s leader and grandmother would approve of and that I always dreamed of marrying. 

That night after dinner at his sister’s, I felt inclined to ask him about a topic I had always considered a “deal breaker”. I had never thought to bring it up in any other dating situations, but the words “I have to ask you something important, have you ever struggled with pornography?” floated unexpectedly out of my mouth. I waited for a laugh or an immediate “no”, but instead he responded with a long pause. He cleared his throat and responded, “Well yeah, it has been a problem in my life; I was first exposed to it when I was 12.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  How could this sweet, generous, polite guy I could feel myself falling for ever have seen something I felt to be so vile and objectifying of women? After a couple of minutes of being sure he was joking, I burst into tears. We were driving on the freeway and I wished more than anything that we were closer to home so that I wouldn’t have to be in the car with him for another 45 minutes. I explained to him that pornography use was something that I had promised myself was an absolute deal breaker in a relationship and that I just didn’t feel I could deal with it. How would I feel comfortable kissing him or becoming emotional vulnerable with the possibility that he would be comparing me or objectifying me? I had experienced my fair share of disappointments with dating and now that I had finally found someone I could trust and be myself around, it just didn’t seem fair that pornography was going to make it disintegrate so quickly.  He told me “I’m sorry, I was going to tell you soon, I just didn’t know how to bring it up, I’ll understand if you don’t want to date me, really I will” and continued to apologize as I sobbed.  I’m not sure how, but the conversation eventually took a huge turn.

 I wasn’t sure what questions to ask, so I just asked him why. He responded and told me that it was something that he was exposed to when he was really young and felt that it became a way for him to deal with feelings of loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem.  Suddenly something clicked for me; I remembered the struggles I had with an eating disorder and why I had turned to something I knew was unhealthy and harmful.  I held his hand and told him about my experience and asked him if it sounded similar to his. We couldn’t believe how much we had in common with our emotional struggles. As I became more comfortable with the topic, I began to ask him more detailed questions about his pornography use such as, “How do you feel this effects how you view women and dating? Were you clean during your mission? What are you doing to overcome this? Do your parents know? Has this ever interfered with school or work success?” He bravely answered all of my questions and explained the feelings of shame and isolation he has when he thinks about this problem. I know it meant the world to him that I was able to calmly and lovingly address the problem by allowing myself to be vulnerable and open up to him so he didn’t feel alone or ashamed.

We ended up talking until 2 am that night and made goals together that would allow both of us to work on our weaknesses. I gave him one of my dearest enemies, the scale, and told him I would work on my body image issues so that he could feel he was helping me too.  I wasn’t sure what to do about our relationship that night. I felt that he really cared about me, but I didn’t feel ready to address a topic I knew so little about. I also didn’t want him to feel like he was overcoming his pornography use because of me. I wanted him to feel proud of his own progress and know that he did it for himself. That night we decided to fast for him to feel strengthened and I fasted to know what role I should play in his life. He told his parents about our conversation and they wanted to fast as well. The next morning I expected to feel completely discouraged about him, but instead I found myself searching for more information on the topic. I read an article on the WSR website (http://wsr.byu.edu/discussingpornographyindating) about pornography in dating and felt a great amount of encouragement and hope that this didn’t have to be something that would ruin our relationship. I felt proud of myself for the way I had handled the conversation. We fasted that entire day and I continued to feel more and more peaceful. I had originally told him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating him until he was clean for 3 months, but since he had already been clean for a month, two months didn’t seem so far away. The night after fasting, I woke up at 4 AM and was incredibly alert. I felt so close to my Heavenly Father and amazing amounts of love for my now boyfriend. I felt very strongly that this was something that we could confront together, that I did not need to be afraid, and that this could strengthen us as a couple if we did the right things in our relationship.

It took us a couple of days to decide what to do about our relationship, but we finally decided that we could exclusively date as long as he was 100% open and honest. I proceeded with caution, but also felt reassured by his enthusiasm for going to the temple weekly, making sure when we kissed that it was a sincere reflection of affection, and continuing to do the little things so that we could always feel the spirit. We decided that he would be on a self-report system, meaning that he would tell me if he was struggling or if he “messed up”. I told him that I believe in a one-strike rule for dishonesty in relationships, and he promised that it would be his responsibility to tell me if it became a problem again. 

I cannot explain how much this experience has strengthened our relationship; it has continued to set a pattern for open communication, trust, and love for one another. We were able to see each other as real people, with flaws and weaknesses, from the beginning. He has told me a number of times how grateful he is for the sincere love and understanding I have shown him, and I feel the same way toward him.  Being able to share his struggles has made him feel less alone and has weakened the power pornography once held in his life. Since dating him, I have been able to be honest and open about body-image problems, my emotions, and family issues that I have never been able to confide in anyone about completely.  I know that he loves me despite my flaws and that as long as we are able to continue to communicate openly we can confront the trials that life will surely bring us.  We have continued to discuss pornography as our relationship has progressed, without me becoming a therapist or trying to “save him”.  His honesty has allowed me to trust him in other areas, and has reassured me that he will continue to be open with me in the future.  In 2^nd Nephi 2:2 & 16, Lehi says to Jacob “thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thine gain… [and that] it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.”   My boyfriend has been an incredible example to me of this principle and I have been able to learn through this experience that if we are able to confront our trials with humility, faith, and love that the Lord will strengthen us through them.  

If you, too, want to share your story, email  BYU's Women's Services and Resources at wsr@byu.edu

DISCLAIMER: When women learn of their loved one’s porn problem, they usually have lots of questions. We want our blog to be a safe, reputable place when you can get answers to your questions. However, we do not claim to be absolute authorities on all of these issues. Our answers are based on our experiences in working with other women who have struggled with this issue and from the professional literature on the subject. Sift the answers through your own experience and select what fits for you. You are the best authority for you.

REMINDER: As you deal with this issue we want you to take care of yourself, to remain true to yourself and to listen to your own wisdom and feelings. They will always guide you to know what is best for you. Likewise, stay close to the Lord and the Holy Ghost; they will support you to know what to do.

 

Should I get involved with someone who has a pornography addiction?

Should I get involved with someone with an addiction?  If I do, how should I show support? If not, will that make things worse?
    You have to make a decision for yourself as to what you can handle, and what you cannot. Maybe you can handle dating a guy who is working through an addiction to porn, but you can’t handle someone who picks his nose in public. Maybe you’re not alright with a guy who uses porn, but you are okay with a guy who flirts with other girls. Marriage is a crapshoot.  Everyone is imperfect, and everyone is deserving of love. God can help you overcome your limits and conditions for loving, but it’s hard work, and sometimes not what God has in mind for you at the time.  Heavenly Father knows will guide us to make the best decisions for our lives.  There is no shame in choosing not to be with someone because they are struggling with an addiction; It is a difficult road. However, sometimes the most difficult roads lead you to the most rewarding destinations.  
    Showing support for those struggling with addictions can be difficult because it is so triggering of our insecurities.  Although it may be difficult, being patient, loving and non-reactive will be very helpful to your loved ones.  There are groups available for loved ones of those struggling with addictions and can be found now on the lds.org site at  http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/find-a-meeting?lang=eng  and also through searching for addiction recovery programs in your area via an internet search engine.  These groups give helpful tips in how to deal with/work with/love/trust/and be a loved one of someone with an addiction.  What each person needs in a relationship will be different, asking your loved one what they want and need from you will open a helpful dialog.  Encouraging them to go to meetings, seeking guidance and help from their bishops, and reminding them to rely on the Lord are also great ways to show your support.  Going to groups and asking for help can be shameful, scary and embarrassing, but it is exactly what they need to work through their addiction.  Supporting and encouraging their attendance at meetings, and their meetings with bishops and counselors will help them feel less alone in the process.

Is porn addiction treatable or is it likely that guys will never get over it?

Is porn addiction treatable or is it likely that guys will never get over it?
     

Pornography addictions are treatable just like any other addiction is treatable. However, they are, perhaps, more difficult to treat because of the nature of our sexuality.  Our sexual feelings are God-given and healthy.  When we get involved in pornography, it taints those God-given feelings and sorting out the good feelings from the bad feelings can be difficult.  But difficult is not impossible.  The most difficult part is deciding to change.  The patterns we create in our lives create mental pathways in our brains, so that when we are faced with choices, our automatic response is to do what we’ve always done. Changing these pathways takes a lot of work, and lot of help.

But it’s not impossible!! Every person will work through their addiction differently and some may be able to work through it quickly and easily, others may struggle for longer.  There are many different treatments and sources of help for those struggling with pornography addictions as well as resources for those who are loved ones of those struggling with pornography addictions.  There is help and there is hope for every person with whatever and however they are struggling. God is good and He can help us move mountains in our lives.

Which resrouces are the most helpful?

Of all the resources out there, which resource(s) are the most/the least helpful (i.e. 12-step support group, therapy, bishop, etc.)?

             Of all the options, facing this challenge on your own is your least helpful option. If you are embarrassed, scared, or in denial you may avoid seeking help, but you will need others.  Acquire as many resources as you can to help you. The more people you have helping you, the better.  Luckily, there are a lot of resources out there, many of which are free.  Bishops are free, and often very helpful.  They can at least direct you to church-run resources and guide you through the repentance process, forgiveness process, or expanding your access to the Atonement.  Bishops can help you get the help that you need and support and love you in the process.  Their support is vital to your spiritual strength.
              12-step groups also have been helpful to a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons.  Sometimes one of the biggest parts of an addiction, or loving someone with an addiction is fear of what others will think or being ostracized. Support groups can help you feel normal, accepted loved and validated as you work through spiritual steps that also bring you closer to God.  The 12-step approach helps you be accountable to others and to God. It helps you take responsibility for your feelings and your actions and shows you how through others’ experiences.  It is a divinely inspired  program that brings you closer to God, closer to others and closer to yourself. 

 Therapy can help you deal with things in ways support groups and bishops cannot.  Most bishops are not counselors, and neither are most support group members and leaders. Working through an addiction or with a loved one that has an addiction is really difficult and can bring up so many different feelings and issues that bishops may not know how to deal with.  Working with a therapist will only benefit you, so long as the therapist is a good fit.  Most colleges offer free counseling services to students and have student clinics for community members wanting therapy services at a VERY discounted price. 

Because this problem has become so prevalent in our culture, there are loads of people who can help.  It is vital to their own progression as children of God to be able to help you, so let them help.

Am I Part of the Problem?

Am I part of the problem by the way I dress?  Do I contribute to a guy’s temptation to look at porn?

It’s very common for women to want to take responsibility for men’s failings.  We like to do this because it gives us power and makes us feel like we can do something and take power and control over our circumstances instead of being victims.  It’s not necessarily our responsibility to pander to men’s sexual feelings.  Every person is attracted to, and sexually aroused by different things so there’s no way to please everyone. For example, some men might be turned on by the color red. Does that mean you shouldn’t wear red? Of course not. Maybe another guy finds denim insanely sexually arousing, but that doesn’t mean you can’t wear jeans anymore.  What is important, is that YOU feel comfortable with your body and how you dress.  It is not your job to cater to men’s weaknesses, it IS your job, however, to decide what treating your body as a temple means to you and honor the modern day prophets’ words about modesty.

Having said that, yes, wearing less clothing and acting in a way that promotes YOU as a sexual object makes it easier for men and women to treat each other like sexual objects and that may or may not include looking at pornography.  Our bodies are attractive to each other and God has intended for this arousal to occur.  However, our sexual intentions, when not accompanied by a marriage or committed relationship, promotes us seeing and treating each other as sexual objects.  

Our intentions with our bodies is what makes the difference.  You can only control your own intentions and your own body.  God can help us with our bodies and our intentions, but we can’t change the intentions of others.  We can encourage them to seek the help of God and we can discourage others from seeing and treating us like sexual objects, but beyond that is beyond our means.