Does every guy have a "porn problem"?

Am I being unrealistic thinking it’s possible to find a guy who doesn’t have a porn problem?

 

It depends on how you define “porn problem.” Most men and women have seen pornographic images, read pornographic texts, and heard pornographic lyrics or sounds.  A lot of men and women have sought out pornographic images, texts, and audio and some have accidentally stumbled upon them.  Very few of us will get through this life without being exposed to porn. Our responsibility lies in not letting those images, texts, and audio become a problem and not letting them become something that is used to purposefully stimulate ourselves.  Stimulation is enjoyable, as it should be, but the great pleasure it brings so easily and rapidly, can be difficult to avoid, particularly for males whose brain circuitry is geared toward attaining sexual gratification.

 So, no it’s not unrealistic to think you can find a guy without a porn problem, but it’s important to recognize that the way they view pornography and the way we view pornography is going to be fundamentally different. Men and women are not stimulated in the same way or by the same things, which can lead to judgmental attitudes on both sides.  Men are visually stimulated and are taught to seek out the things they want, whereas women are emotionally stimulated and are taught to wait for the things they want.  This is not always the case, but in general, these differences in biology and social upbringing change the way we view ourselves and others sexually.  This makes men more susceptible to pornography use and addictions.  Our differences can be frustrating at times, but they ultimately make us more compatible and helpful for each other.

Thus, it’s important that you talk about your questions, concerns, preferences and expectations when dating.  You can find a balance between the extremes of expecting to find a boyfriend or spouse who has never looked at porn ---- to accepting that probably everyone one has a “porn problem.”  People can be exposed to porn without developing a “porn problem” and people who have a “porn problem” can overcome it.  If your expectation is to have a relationship free of porn, determine if your partner feels the same way and discuss how you can support one another in achieving that goal.

What causes a person to become addicted to porn?

Some people can be exposed to porn, look at it for a while to satisfy their curiosity and decide it’s not for them. They can let it go realizing it might not be the healthiest pastime. I actually heard a man say that he thought porn was boring. While others become obsessed with it. They develop an appetite for it; they find it to be pleasurable, to be a great escape from stress, boredom or other uncomfortable emotions. They become compulsive about the release it gives them and can’t walk away from it even when they want to.

Some experts who specialize in working with addictions believe that unresolved family trauma is at the root of many people’s addictions. All families and individuals encounter trauma at some point in their lives. The way we handle it often determines how it will affect our lives and our family's life for years to come. When an individual or family does not deal with the trauma, will not talk about it or acknowledge it so that they might heal from it, they are more likely to develop addictions.

Not all people who experience unresolved trauma will develop addictions, but any unresolved trauma can prevent a person from enjoying life fully and from relating intimately with others. The less unresolved trauma in our lives, the more likely we will develop healthy relationships, happy homes, and joyful, fulfilling lives.

Trauma can be understood as a severe psychological stress, injury, loss, or wound. Put more simply, it's any experience that injures our ability to be open, honest and vulnerable. Family trauma can include loss of relationships through separation, divorce, death, addictions, major medical conditions or illnesses, absent parents, deprivation or neglect, or emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Addictions result from family trauma and addictions create family trauma. The addict is preoccupied, gets lost in fantasy, and invests significant time in harmful behaviors. The addiction becomes the focus of his/her life. Children and spouses learn that their loved one’s addiction is more important than they are. They are enshrouded in feelings of shame and experience a constant gnawing that they are not worthy of love or connection – fertile ground for their own addictions.

FAQ: Have Most Guys Looked at Porn?

 Is it true that most guys have looked at porn or have a problem with it?

Porn is readily available to the general public, and is sometimes even thrown in our faces. Depending on how you define porn, it’s likely that most men, and women for that matter have viewed pornography. For some men and women it becomes difficult not to look at or think about pornographic images.  For others, it is easy to recognize as harmful and push them away. To say that most guys have a problem with it would be false.  I have seen a lot of men struggle with pornography use and addictions, but what is hopeful about them is that it’s a struggle. They recognize that pornography is harmful to them and they want to stop. It just takes some time to change behaviors, as it does with any addiction.


It is difficult in our society to avoid pornography, but there is a difference between happening upon it, recognizing what it is doing to your spirit then turning away, and seeking it out, using it to arouse sexual feelings and justifying the use of it. There is a stigma towards anyone who says they have “looked at” pornography, but if we really think about it, just about everyone has seen something pornographic and finding that something alluring or sexually arousing is totally normal. We’re supposed to find sexual things sexually arousing. Our Heavenly Father gave us sexual feelings for our use and benefit, however, He has set specific boundaries for the use of those feelings, which is where we sometimes get into trouble.


Many people struggle with pornography addictions, many people have viewed pornography, and some people reject all sexuality from their lives. Finding a balance between being sexually aroused (a God-given gift to foster families and marital relationships) and what we do with that sexual arousal. Seeking out sexual arousal from anyone/thing other than your spouse can create serious problems in relationships and for individuals.  Interest in sexual arousal and sexual stimulation is normal and healthy, but bridling these passions is part of the responsibilities we have along with this great gift and power.