FAQ: Is Porn Addiction the Same as a Sex Addiction?

Is a porn addiction the same as a sex addiction? 

Both terms porn addiction and sex addiction are controversial and dismissed by some as myth. Not everyone who looks at porn is going to become a sex addict. However, the idea that looking at porn is simply harmless fun is quickly losing credence. Compulsive sexual behavior is on the rise and can be just as destructive in a person’s life as an alcohol or drug addiction.

The overwhelming majority of self-identifying sex addicts—about 90 percent—are male. Women are more often categorized as “love addicts,” with a compulsive tendency to fall into dependent relationships and form unrealistic bonds with partners. However, very slowly women are starting to seek treatment for their own porn addictions. As shameful and difficult as it is for a man to admit he has a porn problem, it’s even more shameful for a woman. 

A person with a “porn problem” might be classified as someone whose porn consumption is not congruent with his value system and the amount is more frequent than he is comfortable with. A person with a “porn addiction” may find that he can no longer control the amount or frequency of his porn consumption. He would like to quit looking at it, but he can’t. While a “sex addict” not only looks at porn but engages in other behaviors such as anonymous hookups, chat rooms, affairs, public displays of exhibitionism such as strip clubs, and compulsive masturbation.

The constant and easy exposure to porn in our media saturated culture is likely to trigger people who are susceptible to these addictive tendencies. And who is susceptible? For some, porn or sex is a form of self-medication, a way to obliterate anxiety and despair and a means of soothing loneliness and the fear of being unwanted. A sex addiction isn’t really about “sex”. It’s about “being wanted.” It masks feelings of not being worthy of love and acceptance. Sex is the perfect counter to those feelings. It makes a person feel, “I matter. Right, now in this moment I am loved.” 

Porn consumption becomes a distraction from stress, boredom, loneliness, anxiety, and a myriad of other uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes it’s difficult to face the challenges of life and being a human being can be hard – Porn numbs the pain. Porn is easy to access and easy to justify. It really isn’t hurting anyone, right? 

We can't talk about the P-word without talking about the m-word. Yes, your loved is undoubtedly masturbating while looking at porn. The two go together. It is often the masturbation habit that becomes compulsive. Pornography is the vehicle. While some view masturbation as a perfectly normal behavior, men with porn problems admit that this ability to pleasure oneself is isolating and creates barriers to intimacy with one's partner.

FAQ: Can He Really Love Me?

If my boyfriend or spouse is involved in pornography, can he really love me?

Of course he can. Everyone loves in different ways and the things we experience like the way our families love us and past relationships, affect the way we love other people. So, can he love you the way you want to be loved? Maybe. But that’s something you have to figure out for any relationship; if you can love each other the way you need to be loved. His pornography use might affect the way he loves, but so will everything else in his life. Who knows, it might make him, BETTER at loving you the way you want to me loved. It could also hurt you too much to feel loved. Any addiction has the capacity to overwhelm and even overtake a relationship when help is not sought. It is important for issues dealing with pornography, to get help from bishops, 12-step groups, and God. Finding out your limits and what you can and can’t deal with is necessary for any relationship. It’s also important to remember that although pornography is dangerous, it can be overcome and we can learn from our experiences with it.

The following is another answer from another contributor to our blog, Ashlee.

If my boyfriend or spouse is involved in pornography, can he really love me?

With any relationship, love is something that grows stronger with nurturing support. But in this relationship for you, you may feel betrayed, sad, hopeless, or alone, because you think that if you give everything to this relationship, you will not be able to get what you need in return. If we take a moment to think about him, from his perspective, he wants to be able to love you completely and show his love for you. But when he thinks about himself, he may believe that he is unworthy of your love because of what he is doing. He may feel ashamed of himself and not feel confident or adequate enough for you. He may feel hopeless that he will never overcome it. 

These thoughts and feelings tend to persist when he tries to deal with the porn problem on his own. We know that a loved one is more likely to overcome an addiction to porn in the context of a loving and supportive relationship; however, this does not mean he can’t heal without you or that it is your responsibility to “fix” him or his addiction. If you can learn to talk about your fears and concerns without shaming him and he can learn to listen and respond to your needs without getting defensive and withdrawing, the two of you have a chance to grow closer and stronger as a couple. 

Within a relationship of love and support, he may begin to feel safe and able to be completely honest with you. When he views himself as worthy of your love, both of you can work together to fight the wedge of pornography coming between the both of you. As you fight it together, he will also support you in the problems that you face in life. The love is there, but as with any relationship, in time, and through partnered effort to fight against the problem of pornography, that expression of that love can grow to something strong and beautiful.

If however, he relapses and continues to struggle with his addiction, you must understand that it’s not your fault for “not loving him enough”. His healing is not your responsibility. Even though your loved probably does love you very much it’s difficult to trust in his love because it seems to get usurped by his habit. For real healing to happen, for trust to be restored and for love to flourish he must always take the steps to fully disclose the extent of his problem and get help. If he is unwilling to work toward overcoming his addiction, you must first take care of yourself—in some cases, this might mean leaving the relationship or putting it on hold.

We will address what “getting help” entails in another blog post.

DISCLAIMER: When women learn of their loved one’s porn problem, they usually have lots of questions. We want our blog to be a safe, reputable place when you can get answers to your questions. However, we do not claim to be absolute authorities on all of these issues. Our answers are based on our experiences in working with other women who have struggled with this issue and from the professional literature on the subject. Sift the answers through your own experience and select what fits for you. You are the best authority for you. 

REMINDER: As you deal with this issue we want you to take care of yourself, to remain true to yourself and to listen to your own wisdom and feelings. They will always guide you to know what is best for you. Likewise, stay close to the Lord and the Holy Ghost; they will support you to know what to do.

FAQ: Should I Talk About Porn With Those I Date?

Should I talk about porn with those I date? 

Yes.   Everyone has been exposed to pron.  It’s important to know how the person you’re dating deals with the fact that pornography is so prevalent, accessible and normalized in our society.  Discussing porn with those we date allows us to ascertain another’s history of porn exposure, their patterns of consumption and their attitudes toward actively seeking out porn or actively seeking ways to protect them from it. 

Opening up communication and establishing mutual expectations can help guide your relationship decisions.  When developing a serious relationship, discussing porn can help establish rules to protect your relationship and future family. 

When should I approach the subject? 

Porn is a sensitive topic.  If a person has a porn problem it’s difficult to come forward and admit because it’s so shameful.  Who in our LDS culture wants to admit they have a problem with porn?  Therefore it’s important to approach the topic with openness and sensitivity.  It’s also important to discuss porn early on before you become too emotionally committed to the relationship.  Porn should be brought up on more than one occasion. Often it takes some time and trust to fully disclose one’s history with porn. Closeness and relationship expectations can guide these questions. 

How should I bring it up?  What should I say? 

Share the importance of open communication and how much you care for the other person and want your relationship to be healthy and good.  Just bring up the need to discuss pornography despite the awkwardness of the topic.  You too, must be willing to share your history with porn and your exposure, consumption and attitudes towards it.  Share the actions you have taken to address a porn problem or to keep yourself safe from it. 

Some useful questions you might ask when you address the topic are:

• How have you been exposed to porn?  How were you introduced to porn?
• How young were you when you were first exposed? 
• Have you ever actively sought out porn?
• If so, what was the frequency and surrounding circumstances?
• When did you last seek porn?
• Do you view porn as a problem in your life?
• What actions have you taken to stop or to protect yourself from porn in the past?  What measures are you currently taking to protect yourself?  How do you plan to protect yourself in the future?
• If you have a porn problem, what are you doing to overcome it? 
• What have you found to be the most helpful to you in overcoming it?
• How can others support you? 

Welcome!

Welcome to our blog!

We created this blog to help those of you connected to loved ones with a pornography/sexual addiction.   Our goal is to empower you with information to answer your questions; to connect you to others who are experiencing this same problem; and to support you in freeing yourself from the worry, concern, and responsibility you feel for your loved one.  Even though we know a lot more about pornography addictions than we did 10 years ago, there is still a lot of shame, secrecy, and misunderstanding surrounding them.  We hope this blog will be a source of understanding and awareness.  Most of all we hope it will be a haven of healing, self-care and peace for you.  

Note: While both men and women may view porn, and both can develop a problem with it, we are going to use the pronoun “he” from here on out when referring to your loved one. We’re not being sexist; We are acknowledging the fact that about 75 to 85 percent of porn Web browsers are males (although the percentage of females is growing).

We acknowledge that the word addiction is not always the best descriptor for every person who consumes pornography.  What if someone occasionally looks at porn?  What if someone has gone for several months, even years and then has a porn binge?  Are they addicted?  We understand that not all people who look at porn are addicted to it.  Yet, we know that pornography can be very addictive and many people do indeed get addicted to it.  As a result, most pornography treatment programs include a 12-step model which has proven to be very helpful in recovery from any addictive behavior.   We will highlight the 12-steps in our blog and suggest, that when you are ready, that you work the steps for yourself. 

Most women when they first learn of their loved one’s porn consumption are devastated and dealing with feelings of fear, betrayal and loss. Women often feel alone.  They don’t know where to turn to get the information and help they need.  They usually have lots of questions and have a need to talk to someone.  While there are many good resources for the men dealing with a pornography problem or sexual addiction, there are not so many for the women.  The p-word blog is for you.  Even though we will answer questions that are frequently asked by many women, our main focus will be your own self-care and healing.

We encourage you to support your loved one but to not take responsibility for his healing.  The only person you can really control is yourself.  Working the 12 steps for you, will empower you to face the ups and downs of your loved one’s process without losing yourself.   

We will address issues for both single and married women.