Before I begin my story, I want to preface it by expressing
that it is a personal experience and should only serve as an example of a
success story. Pornography is a sensitive subject and should be handled in
whatever way a couple feels most comfortable.
There is a definite spectrum of addiction and each situation should be
handled individually. My hope is that this story will illustrate the ability to
overcome addictions and trials if we are willing to utilize the resources
available. I also hope to that to show that it is possible for a relationship
to succeed in the face of addiction if there is honesty and true desire to
change.
I really feel my experience may be an anomaly. I think it
was extraordinary that my boyfriend was so open, honest, and humble about his
problem and more than willing to do whatever he could to make sure it didn’t
continue to be part of his life. There are many people who are not at this
point in their addiction and may not be 100% honest, ready to let go of it, or
on the down-swing like he was. He had already seen a therapist and was
diligently attending a support group every week. In my opinion, it takes a stand up guy to
potentially jeopardize a young and promising relationship for the sake of being
honest, and I realize that this may not be everyone’s circumstances.
There is never a convenient time to ask about the “p-word”,
especially at the beginning of a relationship when sparks are flying and it
feels like what you have is too good to be true. This is how I felt right before I naively
asked a question and received a very unexpected answer. At that time I had been
dating my boyfriend for about 2 days. We had been friends for a month before I let
him take me on a date. Our first date was a dreamy hike up in the mountains
surrounding Provo, followed by a visit with my Grandma. As I watched him ask her sincere questions
and lean on the counter so he could intently listen to her with full eye
contact, I was sold. The next night we climbed onto the roof of an old
abandoned building overlooking the city and he kissed me sweetly and softly.
The next day we went to his sister’s house for dinner and I couldn’t believe
how lucky I felt when I saw how much his nieces adored him as he spun them
around in the yard and laughed and tickled them. My point is that my boyfriend
is an extraordinary man with a strong testimony, a temple recommend, and
abounding love for his friends and family. He is the kind of guy that your
young women’s leader and grandmother would approve of and that I always dreamed
of marrying.
That night after dinner at his sister’s, I felt inclined to
ask him about a topic I had always considered a “deal breaker”. I had never
thought to bring it up in any other dating situations, but the words “I have to
ask you something important, have you ever struggled with pornography?” floated
unexpectedly out of my mouth. I waited for a laugh or an immediate “no”, but
instead he responded with a long pause. He cleared his throat and responded, “Well
yeah, it has been a problem in my life; I was first exposed to it when I was
12.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
How could this sweet, generous, polite guy I could feel myself falling
for ever have seen something I felt to be so vile and objectifying of women?
After a couple of minutes of being sure he was joking, I burst into tears. We
were driving on the freeway and I wished more than anything that we were closer
to home so that I wouldn’t have to be in the car with him for another 45
minutes. I explained to him that pornography use was something that I had
promised myself was an absolute deal breaker in a relationship and that I just
didn’t feel I could deal with it. How would I feel comfortable kissing him or
becoming emotional vulnerable with the possibility that he would be comparing
me or objectifying me? I had experienced my fair share of disappointments with
dating and now that I had finally found someone I could trust and be myself
around, it just didn’t seem fair that pornography was going to make it disintegrate
so quickly. He told me “I’m sorry, I was
going to tell you soon, I just didn’t know how to bring it up, I’ll understand
if you don’t want to date me, really I will” and continued to apologize as I
sobbed. I’m not sure how, but the
conversation eventually took a huge turn.
I wasn’t sure what
questions to ask, so I just asked him why. He responded and told me that it was
something that he was exposed to when he was really young and felt that it
became a way for him to deal with feelings of loneliness, depression, and low
self-esteem. Suddenly something clicked
for me; I remembered the struggles I had with an eating disorder and why I had
turned to something I knew was unhealthy and harmful. I held his hand and told him about my
experience and asked him if it sounded similar to his. We couldn’t believe how
much we had in common with our emotional struggles. As I became more
comfortable with the topic, I began to ask him more detailed questions about
his pornography use such as, “How do you feel this effects how you view women
and dating? Were you clean during your mission? What are you doing to overcome
this? Do your parents know? Has this ever interfered with school or work
success?” He bravely answered all of my questions and explained the feelings of
shame and isolation he has when he thinks about this problem. I know it meant
the world to him that I was able to calmly and lovingly address the problem by
allowing myself to be vulnerable and open up to him so he didn’t feel alone or
ashamed.
We ended up talking until 2 am that night and made goals
together that would allow both of us to work on our weaknesses. I gave him one
of my dearest enemies, the scale, and told him I would work on my body image
issues so that he could feel he was helping me too. I wasn’t sure what to do about our
relationship that night. I felt that he really cared about me, but I didn’t
feel ready to address a topic I knew so little about. I also didn’t want him to
feel like he was overcoming his pornography use because of me. I wanted him to
feel proud of his own progress and know that he did it for himself. That night
we decided to fast for him to feel strengthened and I fasted to know what role
I should play in his life. He told his parents about our conversation and they
wanted to fast as well. The next morning I expected to feel completely
discouraged about him, but instead I found myself searching for more
information on the topic. I read an article on the WSR website (http://wsr.byu.edu/discussingpornographyindating)
about pornography in dating and felt a great amount of encouragement and hope
that this didn’t have to be something that would ruin our relationship. I felt
proud of myself for the way I had handled the conversation. We fasted that
entire day and I continued to feel more and more peaceful. I had originally
told him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating him until he was clean for 3
months, but since he had already been clean for a month, two months didn’t seem
so far away. The night after fasting, I woke up at 4 AM and was incredibly
alert. I felt so close to my Heavenly Father and amazing amounts of love for my
now boyfriend. I felt very strongly that this was something that we could
confront together, that I did not need to be afraid, and that this could
strengthen us as a couple if we did the right things in our relationship.
It took us a couple of days to decide what to do about our
relationship, but we finally decided that we could exclusively date as long as
he was 100% open and honest. I proceeded with caution, but also felt reassured
by his enthusiasm for going to the temple weekly, making sure when we kissed
that it was a sincere reflection of affection, and continuing to do the little
things so that we could always feel the spirit. We decided that he would be on
a self-report system, meaning that he would tell me if he was struggling or if
he “messed up”. I told him that I believe in a one-strike rule for dishonesty
in relationships, and he promised that it would be his responsibility to tell
me if it became a problem again.
I cannot explain how much this experience has strengthened
our relationship; it has continued to set a pattern for open communication,
trust, and love for one another. We were able to see each other as real people,
with flaws and weaknesses, from the beginning. He has told me a number of times
how grateful he is for the sincere love and understanding I have shown him, and
I feel the same way toward him. Being
able to share his struggles has made him feel less alone and has weakened the
power pornography once held in his life. Since dating him, I have been able to
be honest and open about body-image problems, my emotions, and family issues
that I have never been able to confide in anyone about completely. I know that he loves me despite my flaws and
that as long as we are able to continue to communicate openly we can confront
the trials that life will surely bring us.
We have continued to discuss pornography as our relationship has
progressed, without me becoming a therapist or trying to “save him”. His honesty has allowed me to trust him in
other areas, and has reassured me that he will continue to be open with me in
the future. In 2nd Nephi 2:2
& 16, Lehi says to Jacob “thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall
consecrate thine afflictions for thine gain… [and that] it must needs be, that
there is an opposition in all things.”
My boyfriend has been an incredible example to me of this principle and
I have been able to learn through this experience that if we are able to
confront our trials with humility, faith, and love that the Lord will
strengthen us through them.
If you, too, want to share your story, email BYU's Women's Services and Resources at wsr@byu.edu
DISCLAIMER: When women learn of their loved one’s porn
problem, they usually have lots of questions. We want our blog to be a safe,
reputable place when you can get answers to your questions. However, we do not
claim to be absolute authorities on all of these issues. Our answers are based
on our experiences in working with other women who have struggled with this
issue and from the professional literature on the subject. Sift the answers
through your own experience and select what fits for you. You are the best
authority for you.
REMINDER: As you deal with this issue we want you to
take care of yourself, to remain true to yourself and to listen to your own
wisdom and feelings. They will always guide you to know what is best for you.
Likewise, stay close to the Lord and the Holy Ghost; they will support you to
know what to do.
